tomisms

a companion piece to tomism #0101: be a good goalie

…or How to make yourself the goalie

Many of the things necessary to position yourself as the goalie are similar to what is discussed in Entry #0101, just with a little twist.

Listen. If they are speaking to you (a member of the opposite sex) about certain issues regarding their relationship rather than the person they are in the relationship with, then you’re already one step closer to becoming their goalie. So be there for them and really listen.

Advise. Reiterate all the negative things they’ve said about their current goalie during your conversations. Repeat. This will show you are actually listening to what they’re saying while essentially lowering the current goalie’s standing.

Act. Taking what you’ve heard about what is lacking in their minds about the relationship, provide it for them little by little. Now don’t be an idiot and start pouring it on thick. It’s all about being subtle.

Make them smile/laugh. Do the little things their current goalie has all but forgotten about. Be the reason they smiled or laughed that day. The object here is to have them smile when they think about YOU. 

Sex. No, you’re not going to have sex with them. At least not right now. But always incorporate sexual innuendo into casual conversation. You’re not trying to get yourself into the friend zone and this should make sure that doesn’t happen. If you think you’re already in the friend zone, this is a good method to climb out of that.

Patience. If you’ve done things correctly, they will initiate physical contact. You just have to wait for it. However, if nothing has happened and they continue to compare their loser of a goalie to YOU, they’re waiting for you to make the first move. So don’t be a dork and just get to it!


*Only applies if you are already within the social circle of the goal in question. Meaning, you need to be an acquaintance or friend and have direct contact with the goal. It is possible to work yourself into the social circle but will take additional time and adds another element not discussed.

The bar is packed and you’re ready to party it up! But who wants to wait EVERY time you need a refill?

First, assess the bartender situation. Always wait for the bartender that doesn’t seem rattled by the crowds and continues to pour in an even and calm manner. This is the experienced bartender that will appreciate a kind gesture by a patron such as yourself.

Wait until they come to you and ask what they can do for you. This is the hardest part because you may have to wait a little bit but it will pay off in the end. No bartender likes a pushy customer and has no problem watering down drinks because of it. And that’s not what we’re looking for here.

When your bartender gets to you, smile. Introduce yourself and ask their name. Tell them it’s a pleasure to meet them and repeat their name while extending your hand while maintaining eye contact. They’ll appreciate the small break and continue to ask what they can get you. Tell them.

Once they give you your drink they’ll tell you how much it is. Proceed to pay them with a large enough bill to receive change back.

Now here’s the kicker, when they bring your change back, thank them and hold your hand out for another handshake. But this time you have at least a $20 in your hand and you hand it over to them while telling them how nice it was to meet them and that they’ll be seeing you quite often during the night.

If you’ve got any kind of charm and not some social freakazoid, you won’t ever have to wait longer than making eye contact with your bartender for the rest of the night even if the bar is 4 deep.

We’ve all had at least one encounter with that inattentive, careless, and just plain rude waiter/waitress.

Now, two wrongs don’t make a right so we do not leave the premises without providing a proper tip for them…after all, it truly is how they make their living.

However, you don’t have to make it so easy for them to actually receive their tip.

Take a full glass of water and firmly place the bill on top of it. Place the cash tip on the table as flat as possible and with a quick motion, flip the glass over on top of the tip.

The server will have no choice but to lift the full glass of water to obtain their unearned tip. 

And in the process get their money completely soaked…and if karma has any say in it, so will they!

when dining out, never return food that isn’t to your complete satisfaction…it will undoubtedly get fucked with in the kitchen when it comes back to you.

instead, order an additional item and leave the unsatisfactory dish to the side for the duration of the meal. your server will eventually ask if everything was ok and that is when you say the dish was unsatisfatory. more often than not, your server will take the item off your bill as a courtesy. if they don’t, then refer to tom-ism #329: how to leave a proper tip for a horrible waiter/waitress.

If you’re in a relationship, you’re the goalie and your significant other is the goal because people are going to always try and score.

[Now before some of you get all bent thinking this is some chauvinistic remark, hold off your judgment until you read everything. You may just end up agreeing with it all.]

So what makes a good goalie?

Listen. No, really listen. Not the pretend listening where you’re looking at them and nodding appropriately while giving timely ‘uh-huhs’ and ‘mmmhhmmms”.

Sex. The more the better.

Surprise them every now and again. With what? If you were listening to them, you’d know. (see how that works, there?)

Pay attention. When you’re not paying attention, that’s when the opposition can take advantage and easily score.

Sex. Like I said, the more the better.

Give them attention. Seriously, who doesn’t like a little doting every now and then? Yes, this is different than paying attention.

Do what is necessary. Then do some more. Because if you don’t someone else will.

Get your priorities straight.

Imagine you have big stones, small rocks, pebbles, sand, and water. And you’re trying to fit them all into a jar.

If you fill the jar up with the water first, you won’t be able to fit the sand, pebbles, rocks, and stones without things spilling over.

However, if you put the big stones in first you can put the small rocks in so they fill up the smaller empty spaces. Then you can put in the pebbles and the sand after that. Finally, you should be able to pour the water in and have it all fit inside the jar.

So figure out what your big stones are and put them in the jar first. Then your small rocks, pebbles, and so forth.

When you get your priorities in order, everything fits in your life.

*This is not my own theory. I’d heard it somewhere along the way and it always stuck with me. I’m just passing it along in the hopes that it will help others like it helped me in my life.

Theory: When parking in nyc, one will always find a parking spot within one block of the destination if accompanied by or en route to meeting a hot woman.*

the theory is based upon the fact that any hot woman would not dare want to walk any farther than 1 city block to the vehicle from the destination from which she attended. the converse may indeed hold true if the woman is not adverse to walking from the vehicle to the destination instead of being dropped off directly in front.

an addendum was added to this theory shortly after being postulated in that said woman does not necessarily need to be in the vehicle for a spot to be found. it has been found through real life trials that if the hot woman is the reason for driving into the city, the theory still applies.

*this theory may not work for anyone else other than tom chang